Do you remember the time you met your significant other? You were head over heels, laughed about their jokes, thought they were so cute, and lots of hugging and kissing were happening. Then you had kids, and the time together got shorter, and you were busier with driving to soccer practice, dance, or other sports lessons, and the handholding, hugging, and intimacy got less. 

At first, you chalked it up to a busy schedule and said it was just a phase, but then your husband became more like a roommate instead of an intimate partner.

As this is for women over 50, I used the terms husband, spouse, and partner, but please fill in wife, significant other, life partner, or whatever fits your life because the empty nest marriage is all-inclusive. 

We must take steps to stay in a close relationship with our partners. Not everyone experiences this disconnect. However, once the kids leave the house, we may have to reclaim or reinvent our relationship to rescue our empty nest marriage. 

 5 Tips To Rescue Your Empty Nest Marriage

According to the Pew Research Center, among adults 50 and older in the United States, the divorce rate has approximately doubled since the 1990s, and for those 65 and older, it’s roughly tripled in the same period.

According to the Mayo Clinic, empty nest syndrome happens after the last child leaves home, resulting in divorce. One study from the University of Louisville at Kentucky suggests that the empty nest divorce rate has increased from 10% to 25% of marriages. 

Since 1990, the divorce rate among couples aged 55-64 has more than doubled, according to recent data.

What drives the empty nest divorce rate

For some couples, the empty nest can lead to “gray divorce,” a term that generally refers to the demographic trend of an increasing divorce rate for older (“gray-haired”) couples in long-lasting marriages. There are several reasons for this empty nest divorce rate.

Why do couples divorce when they are empty nesters?

First, many women experience a loss of purpose and joy and feel despair about what happens next now that the kids are gone. Other relationship-related problems that were ignored for far too long start to surface.

Why is it called the empty-nest syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. Instead, it’s a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.

Some Signs And Symptoms Of The Empty Nest Syndrome

• Loss of purpose. For years you were the go-to person for your kids and their needs. You could heal wounds, cook delicious meals, and help with homework, but that job is done. So now you’re wondering what my purpose is in life. 
• Emotional stress. Do you break out in tears when watching a sad commercial? Sometimes these emotions are tied to menopausal hormone changes, but they also seem to coincide with the empty nest. You feel sad that the kids have grown up. Maybe you worry that you didn’t help them more than you did while growing up. You might be nervous about your marriage or relationship and its state. Or afraid of getting older and becoming useless.
• Anxiety about your children. That is a normal feeling. However, if it takes over and you call them several times a day or week to check in with them, this behavior keeps you in a constant state of anxiety. You raised them to be responsible and intelligent adults, and they must trust that you did the right thing. You were giving them wings to fly.

The empty-nest syndrome is more common in women as women tend to be the primary caregiver. Once the kids leave home, mothers might feel worthless, guilty, sad, and lonely, and this feeling can lead to extreme mood swings, irregular sleep patterns, and hot flashes, among other things. 

If this sounds like you read my blog: 5 Tips To Help You Get Unstuck In Your Empty Nest

What is the most common reason for an empty nest divorce?

According to American Sociological Association (ASA), about two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women, including women who suffer from empty-nest syndrome. Thus, we can conclude that women are likelier to initiate empty-nest divorce.

Most people think the empty-nest divorce trigger is when the last child leaves. But many statistics and studies suggest that it comes down to an unstable marriage foundation in the earlier years of marriage. 

If those issues are not addressed early on and stay undetected, those issues will resurface after the last child leaves home. It may feel like you stayed together because of the kids instead of the bond between the couple. 

For additional resources, check out: Episode #21, Dear Divorce Coach… and how to avoid a looming divorce. 

5 Reasons For The Empty-nest Divorce

1. Empty Nest Syndrome 
2. Midlife Crises
3. Longer Life Expectancies
4. Infidelity
5. Money Issues and Finances

In short, empty-nesters may end up divorced because their marriage or relationship, and the factors I just mentioned, were neglected. 

If your nest is not empty yet, start reconnecting with desires and dreams first.

I list additional strategies in this post: 5 Tips To Plan For An (Almost) Empty Nest

5 tips on how to rescue your empty nest marriage from divorce

1. Rest and Recover 

It takes more energy than you might think to deal with all the emotions that come up once the last child leaves the house. We may feel that there is not much to do anymore, so we keep busy cleaning or organizing the home. 

Instead, take time to embrace the feelings that come up and take time to digest those feelings. Rest can come in the form of sitting, reading, exercise, breath work, and perhaps taking a nap during the day to recharge. 

Once you clear your mind, it’s time to focus on your relationship’s health. Since the house is empty, you’ll notice your partner milling around, which may also be unfamiliar to you. If you have trouble letting go, ask your partner about how they feel and share your emotions. 

2. Eat healthy and nutritious meals.

You no longer have to cook for the entire family and instead make meals that are right for your body and health, ideal for a woman over 50. So why not include your partner in the meal planning, shopping, and cooking adventure?

Discover new recipes and cooking methods together, or perhaps take a knife class to know exactly how to cut an onion or other foods. You learn how to prepare new meals and enjoy each other’s company with a bit of music and perhaps some wine for an intimate evening together. 

If your partner is not into cooking, perhaps chopping vegetables is fun. What matters is that you spend time together doing something that connects you and your interests. 

You can read more of my tips here How To Cook For 2 When The Nest Is Empty, where I share one of my favorite recipes and tips to cook for two.

3. Create new routines

Once the kids are gone, you can have a date night or a date weekend ANY day of the week, not only when you find a babysitter. Rediscover interests you had forgotten about or new ideas sparked from your friend’s activities.

Make time for each other by walking or working out together. Spend time volunteering for a charity you support. Create new routines and rituals that draw you back into each other’s arms. 

For more ideas: Keep Moving, Keep Doing, Keep Living with Heidi Herman 

4. Rekindle Romance 

Let’s face it, many of us push our marriage or relationships aside and say things are fine. We may even do date nights once a week, but there is more to a happy marriage or relationship. 

Without the kids around, you have many opportunities to rekindle romance and passion. Get to know each other again and explore how to please each other. For example, my husband and I took a class to learn how to give each other a massage, and not only was this fun to take this course together, but I discovered my husband is a genius at giving massages. 

So it was a double success! Take some time to adjust to being around each other without distraction. No more closed-door policy! 

Menopause and post-menopause can make sex painful and almost impossible. Explore alternative options and find a qualified gynecologist or specialist to help you deal with vaginal dryness or other problems related to intercourse.

For additional resources, listen to Pelvic Floor Dysfunction with Dr. Michele Frey. She emphasizes analyzing the bigger picture with all her patients by looking at all the circumstances in their lives that may cause them to have too much pelvic floor tension – or not enough.

5. Discover your shared interests 

Gone are the times when you can’t do what you’d love to do or explore new hobbies or interests. So take advantage of this opportunity. First, list activities you would like to explore and ask your partner to join. 

Show interest in your partner’s hobbies and learn more about them. If that’s not for you, you don’t have to participate in them, but at least you know what they love. You might start loving it too! 

If you have interests that your spouse doesn’t share, designate specific times of the week for those—he can watch his football game each Thursday night while you join a friend for a Salsa or Pilates class. 

Remember to be patient. It took a while for the two of you to grow apart, and it’ll take time to reconnect. Be patient with yourself and your partner. It’s a transition into something new and unfamiliar, and that’s ok!

The most important thing is to be proactive—communicate, spend time together, and support each other. The second half of your marriage can be miserable or better than ever—it’s up to the two of you to decide.