It can feel difficult to love a body that seems to betray you. You might look in the mirror and feel discouraged with how your body looks. Or maybe you wish your body looked different. Or you’re taking an exercise class, and suddenly your knees hurt on the lunges – that has never happened before! You’re not alone. Research shows up to 84% of American women experience body dissatisfaction in their lifetimes.

Learning to love your body when you really don’t is no easy task, and it’s not as simple as the body positivity movement can sometimes make it seem. Going from “I hate my body, what it looks and feels like, and what it can’t do anymore” to something more positive will take time and conscious effort.

One day, everything was well, and you could carry your laundry basket up the stairs without a problem, but the next day you couldn’t. It got more challenging each day until you couldn’t make it up the stairs with the basket. There was not one point when you noticed that you were gradually slowing down or weren’t as strong as you had been. 

Another common complaint from women over 50 is that their skin starts sagging and cellulite appears on their legs. They were fine just yesterday!

All these changes seem to happen overnight, and you feel betrayed by your body. You might ask your body, “So why are you letting me down?” I’m working out, and I’m eating healthy. I know I’m getting older, but why does everything seem to break down without warning?

Ways a body might seem to betray you

Here are some examples from my clients of what we are talking about today: 

My client Gabi said, “I hate that I now have to rely on other people to do the chores I used to do, and I’m dependent on their time and goodwill. It feels terrible that I have to ask for help, even for the most mundane things like emptying the dishwasher, as I can’t bend down to pick up the dishes and then move to put them away. I feel betrayed by my body and resent it now. I feel helpless and stuck with a body that holds me back.”

My client Monica feels betrayed by her body because she works out regularly, makes exercise a priority, and is super fit, doing planks like people much younger, but her body doesn’t show it. She says, “When I flex my muscles, I can see that my muscles are there, but when I relax, it all becomes mush. I sit down and feel its fat and softness instead of the muscles I know must be somewhere. Although I have a healthy weight, all I see is a blob. I feel frustrated and want to give up.”

Then there is Grace, who shows me her bat wings and cellulite on the back of her legs, points to her belly fat, and makes a face. She wonders if she does more upper weights and push-ups will her arms get firmer? If by walking more, will the cellulite go away? And if she keeps doing lower abdominal work, will her belly get flat? 

All these women are in good health, have amazing family support, and enjoy life, but feel that their bodies let them down, especially when they compare themselves with other women their age on social media. Those women seem thinner, fitter, with tighter skin, flat bellies, and toned arms, and don’t seem to have aches and pains that hold them back from living their best lives.

The hard facts of aging

No matter what we do, our bodies will age, losing muscle mass due to an age-related condition called sarcopenia. Physically inactive people can lose as much as 3% to 5% of their muscle mass each decade after age 30. So even if you are active, you’ll still have some muscle loss. 

Then there is menopause. The hormonal changes of menopause might make you more likely to gain weight around your belly, followed by fat gain around your hips and thighs. But hormonal changes alone don’t necessarily cause menopause weight gain. Instead, weight gain is usually related to aging, lifestyle, and genetic factors.

Then there is chronic pain or illnesses that are out of your control, and that’s another way that you might feel betrayed by your body. 

In these scenarios, where we feel betrayed by our bodies, we also feel…

• Dread
• Betrayed
• Hopeless

Why do we feel that way?

• Loss of control: You have no control over what’s happening to your body. Suddenly you’re dependent on family, friends, or a doctor for help.
• Fear: Life is changing forever, and you may worry about what changes you’ll have to make.
• Frustrated: You may feel trapped in your body and feel that life is unfair. Why me? I’ve done everything right!

What to do when you feel betrayed? 

• Know that your body doesn’t do it on purpose. Your body is not out to punish you, and it’s not your fault, and you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s just what your body is doing at that time in your life. It’s ok to feel frustrated or even angry at your body, but it’s not ok to take that feeling out on yourself. You’re not less because of it.

• Your body still needs love and care. Instead of beating your body up and enduring grueling workouts to make it behave as you think it should ensure you nourish your body with movement that is good for your body. Prioritize sleep and a low-stress environment. You deserve all those things; lifestyle changes will help you feel better. 

• Circumstances or difficulties don’t define you. Therefore, it is vital to figure out new ways of doing things and new limits as early as possible. In Gabi’s case, she has to figure out how to do daily chores differently to feel in charge again. Monica knows that she has a chronic illness that causes her skin to look that way, and instead of talking badly about her body, she needs to start loving it for her strength and the fitness and daily activities she can do well. And for Grace, it’s time to stop comparing herself to other women and instead focus on the things she loves about her body. 

5 Ways To Love A Body That Seems To Betray You

1. Stop negative self-talk

Everyone has an inner critic, and this voice gets really loud when our bodies betray us. Check out my podcast episode #28, How to silence your inner critic. Instead, practice positive self-affirmations.

• “My body is capable and strong.”
• “I choose not to let my condition define me.”
• “I love my body.”

2. Try new ways of moving

As in Gabi’s case, she is trying new ways to get her chores done without or without little help. For example, she can carry the laundry upstairs in a small basket on her back to use her hands to help her stability when walking upstairs. She was also open to the idea that it’s ok to ask her family for help with things that don’t need to be done immediately. Gabi also has her son empty the dishwasher from now on.

3. Ditch the idea of looking a certain way

We are sold on the idea that if we look a certain way, that look will give us happiness, success, respect, and value, among other things. But let’s be honest, bat wing arms don’t define who we are and how we feel about ourselves deep down. So, of course, we still want to strengthen our arms and upper body to be stronger as we age. 

The emotional reasons why a particular body type is desirable or constantly trying to stay young are so profoundly intertwined with our past that it’s hard to disengage from that message. 

The more you realize that those feelings are not serving you, but the beauty industry and the social media posts are making you feel inferior to sell you more products, the better off you are.

I’m not saying drop all workouts, but instead focus on overall health, strength, and the reasons you are exercising, not on an idea of a body. Love your body with all its flaws, and thank it for doing a good job every day, even if you take a day off. 

For more on this topic, check out my podcast episode: #155 How to stop comparing yourself to other women and be happier.

4. Care for your body

We always talk about self-care but rarely follow up on it and always put ourselves last because we may feel guilty. So, instead, make time on your schedule to get a massage, a facial, a manicure, or a pedicure that makes your body feel good. Going for a hike or picnic is self-care too. Just being outside can be self-care!

5. Appreciate your body

We start losing sight of what our bodies can do when we resent the things they can’t. Or when our bodies look the way we didn’t expect them to. So instead, celebrate your body for a job well done. 

Just like Gabi, who has difficulty walking upstairs but can walk for 1 hour without a problem. Or Monica, who only sees all the fat instead of all the strength she has built. Wonderfully, she now focuses on how easy gardening has become because of the power she has built all those years. Or how Grace, who is fighting body image issues, walks every morning. She has even started incorporating strength training to build more lean muscles. 

Focus on the things that you can do and that you do well. Appreciate how beautiful your body is. Then, you’ll feel proud of yourself instead of critical and frustrated. 

Here are some reasons why I love my body:

• I love my shoulders; they are so strong 
• I’ve got a perky butt 
• I can laugh until I almost pee my pants 
• I have a birthmark on my right knee that only my husband knows about 
• My hair is thick and shiny and so healthy
• And my body never takes off, even when I do

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